Here’s What Tucker Carlson Talked About Instead Of Michael Cohen

Monday was a bad, bad day for Donald Trump. Not only is Robert Mueller investigating a payment of $150,000 Trump received from Ukrainian billionaire Victor Pinchuk in exchange for a September 2015 appearance by The Donald through a video link to a conference in Kiev, but the man who brokered that deal — Trump’s now-former personal lawyer Michael Cohen — is under investigation for a different suspicious payment.

Cohen paid $130,000 to adult movie star Stormy Daniels (or Stephanie Clifford if you prefer her real name) in an effort to keep her quiet about an affair she had with The Donald. He mortgaged his own home to make this payment shortly before a similar payment was made from the Trump organization to the Trump campaign and Cohen’s office was raised by the FBI over it. It seems like a pretty big deal, unless you happen to be one of  Tucker Carlson’s viewers on Fox News.

In that case, you’re more worried that pandas are sexual deviants.

Carlson warned Americans that in the wild, male pandas are “secret studs” who “engage in a fierce sexual contest” and sometimes have sex more than “40 times in a single afternoon.”

Wow, that’s a lot of sex — but it’s interesting that Carlson thinks that pandas banging is more important than Cohen’s office being raided by the FBI, as many Americans noted:

To be fair, Carlson also covered other important topics, like the Boston Marathon refusing to make sure that trans runners don’t have too much dude juice in their systems:

There you have it, folks. Pandas (like our President*) are dangerous sexual predators and there’s nothing at all worth noticing about the latest member of his crew to find himself under investigation. Nothing at all.