Trump Thinks His Hair Has Magic Powers That Make Him Rich, We Promise We’re Not F*cking With You

The secret to Donald Trump’s wealth has been discovered, and it is in a 2011 interview published by InTouch featuring his former mistress, porn star Stormy Daniels.

No, it’s not the fact that he inherited so much money from his father, a likely member of the Ku Klux Klan, 

that as a white man in American society he was able to spend his life “failing up.” No, it’s not a strong sense for business or any kind of skill whatsoever. It’s his hair, which possesses magical powers to make him rich and powerful.

Borrowing from the Christian myth of Samson, Trump reportedly told Daniels he never changes his ridiculous hairstyle because if he ever does that he will lose all of his money and influence. From the interview:

Stormy: Yeah, no one else ever came in. He stood outside. We were talking about all sorts of things. I remember he asked me like, “I gotta ask you a question and I don’t want to get you offended” and I was like, “Trust me, you can’t.” I was expecting some sort of vulgar question and it wasn’t; it was something about how much money I make off the royalties of something. And then I remember saying to him, “Ok well I have a question for you and it IS offensive.”

And I asked him about his hair. I was like, “Dude, what’s up with that?” and he laughed and he said, “You know, everybody wants to give me a makeover and I’ve been offered all this money and all these free treatments.” And I was like, “What is the deal? Don’t you want to upgrade that? Come on, man.” He said that he thought that if he cut his hair or changed it, that he would lose his power and his wealth. And I laughed hysterically at him.

IT: What did he say?

Stormy: He took it pretty well. He was like, “Yeah, yeah, my wife even did my son’s hair like that, as a joke.” I was like, “Yes, speaking of your wife…”

InTouch notes that the “account of her affair was corroborated by one of her good friends and supported by her ex-husband, both of whom also passed polygraph tests.”

There you have it, folks. If we truly want to defeat Trump it’s not going to be as difficult as getting Republicans to do their jobs and remove him from office. We don’t have to bother teaching his supporters to be decent people. We don’t have to do anything but make sure his next mistress is named Delilah and that she owns or has access to some scissors or a knife or something.

Daniels also says Trump confided in her that he is so “terrified” of sharks that he refuses to donate to any charity that helps them in any way. “I hope all the sharks die,” Trump told her.  We’re sure they feel the same way.

Currently, Trump worries so much about losing his previous magical hair that he ts taking medication to prevent hair loss that has been linked with “debilitating sexual dysfunction” and depression — something that may explain his tweets to, well, everyone.

Image via screengrab