Republican Hypocrisy™

Even for people drowning in politics 7 days a week, it can be hard to keep track of the mountains of bullshit the American right wing produces. So, to help out the average America stay informed about Republican hypocrisy, I’ve put together this handy guide of the worst of the worst:

1. Nothing says “I love Jesus and his message of peace, love, and understanding” like the Republican worship of guns, bullets, and dreaming of shooting people in “self-defense.” To see this hypocrisy in action, wait until a white person is charged with shooting an unarmed black person. Jesus’s true followers (at least, according to them) come crawling out of the woodwork to defend the shooter no matter what. Every single time.

2. Speaking of Jesus, you’d think that with all of the wailing and gnashing of teeth Republicans have engaged in over those phony Planned Parenthood videos, that they truly love and respect life like no others. And they do, right up until the second that life is no longer in the womb. Then the idea of paying for the baby’s food, clothes, medical, shelter and education is absolutely horrifying. The welfare of a fertilized egg is worth murdering abortion doctors over but spending a dime of money on someone else’s kid? Hellllll no!

Possibly the most accurate political cartoon of all time.

Possibly the most accurate political cartoon of all time.

3. And while we’re still in the realm of the religious, Republicans are very concerned about the institution of marriage. Why, did you know that letting homosexuals marry will destroy the very idea of marriage?! This destruction seems to have been retroactive as the divorce rate in America is almost 50%. Curiously, Republicans find the idea of making divorce illegal horrifying. It’s almost as if they want the exclusive right to destroy the sanctity of marriage all to themselves.

4. Now, no one, but NO ONE, loves the American Constitution like Republicans do. Liberals are always trying to shred the Constitution and it’s totally up to Republicans to protect it!

Except for the 14th Amendment that allows anyone born on US soil to be a citizen. They don’t like that part. And maybe that part of the First Amendment separating church and state. And also, Article 6, paragraph 3 about no religious test? That’s gotta go. And, honestly, do we REALLY need to let the peons vote for their Senators? Let’s get rid of the 17th Amendment as well. While we’re at it, the Supreme Court upheld Obamacare and made icky gay marriage legal so let’s just disband it.

In fact, the only part of the Constitution Republicans generally care about is the second half of the Second Amendment (the first half confuses them) and something something something FREE SPEECH which they seem to think means they can use racial slurs and no one is allowed to call them racist.

5. Republicans haaaaaaaaaate big government. Or so they say, at any rate. But they sure do love passing laws to close down abortion clinics. And passing laws forcing schools and bars and churches to allow guns in them. And passing laws keeping cities from raising the minimum wage. And laws to ban “Sharia Law.” And creating an enormous Department of Homeland Security to “protect” us from scary people. And spending half a trillion a year on a military we don’t need. And, well, you get the idea.

6. Republicans are so hypocritical on their claim of “small government” that it gets two spots on this list. The political movement of “small government” gleefully uses that government to steal the right to vote from tens of millions of “those people.”

Voter ID is perhaps the most shameless abuse of government power since Jim Crow and that’s by design. Jim Crow laws existed explicitly to keep black people from voting. It got so bad, we had to pass a large and detailed, the Voting Rights Act, to put a stop to it. But Republicans complained that the Federal government was unfairly using its power to bully the states. So they gutted the VRA and immediately started to unfairly use their power to bully minorities. And then claimed a victory for freedom. If George Orwell was still alive, he would have killed himself in despair.

7. There are few catchphrases that Republicans love more than “The Free Market™.” Just saying it out loud gets them sexually aroused (almost as much as fondling their guns!). It’s like a magic spell they can cast at liberals whenever they bring up that maybe keeping corporations from dumping radioactive waste in the town water supply would be a good idea. “No government interference! The Free Market™ will solved it! ”

The problem is that many Republicans don’t actually know what they’re saying (or are expertly trained in playing dumb). If you think I’m kidding, ask your run of the mill Republican about cutting subsidies to the fossil fuel industry, the most profitable industry to ever exist. After they’re done hyperventilating, ask them if we should continue subsidizing solar and wind. Somehow, despite being the subsidies being for all intents and purposes identical, the former is “The Free Market™” and the latter is “picking winners and losers.” Hmmmmmm….

8. One of my favorite bits of Republican hypocrisy is how, during an economic downturn, we have to cut cut cut spending. Buuuuuuut not military spending. Never military spending. Spending on foreign aid, less than 1% of the budget (except for the billions that go to Israel, of course), is bankrupting America but it’s perfectly OK to spend $1.3 TRIILION on the F-35, a plane that is, by all accounts, a piece of shit that can be blown out of the sky by planes built 40 years ago (yes, you read that correctly).

In America, a country that Republicans claim is built on “Christian values,” we never seem to have enough money to feed the poor, heal the sick or educate our children but we ALWAYS have enough money to go to war.


Democrats are hardly free of hypocrisy but let’s be honest, hypocrisy is not just central to Republican policies, it’s the bedrock of their entire philosophy.



Featured pic via Cagle Cartoons