Before You Buy This Dashboard Jesus, You Might Want To Read These Reviews

Still haven’t found your Personal Savior? That’s okay, you can order a Dashboard Jesus of your very own from Amazon for only $9.15, plus shipping and handling. The four-and-a-half-inch-tall plastic figurine got lots of great reviews in terms of concept and quality. Plus, the part that sticks Jesus onto your dashboard actually stays sticky.

The Dashboard Jesus also got some hilarious prank Amazon reviews, and we’ve captured a few of them for your amusement. If you see any more funny reviews on Amazon’s Dashboard Jesus page — or write one of your own — please copy and paste them in the comments below, we’d love to see them.

Dashboard Jesus: “Enlightenment on a spring!”

Amazon posted the following enticing product description for this Dashboard Jesus:

Let Jesus be your co-pilot with this hilarious dashboard figurine. This quirky doll makes a great conversation piece. Place him beside your bed, on your desk, in your car, where ever you might need a little blessing. It’s enlightenment on a spring! A fun and unique gift idea.

Dashboard Jesus product description: Let Dashboard Jesus be your co-pilot with this hilarious dashboard figurine. This quirky doll makes a great conversation piece. Place him beside your bed, on your desk, in your car, where ever you might need a little blessing. It's enlightenment on a spring! A fun and unique gift idea.

“It’s enlightenment on a spring!” Dashboard Jesus product page on Amazon.

The manufacturer warns that Dashboard Jesus doesn’t count as an extra passenger for the carpool lane, then curiously adds:

If you don’t have a car, stick Him up somewhere that you could use a little peace, serenity or forgiveness.

Erm, “Stick Him up somewhere?” Where, exactly do they want us to stick our Dashboard Jesuses?

Oh, and you won’t believe what shows up on Amazon’s “Frequently Bought Together” list. One has to wonder what kind of people pop Weener Kleener soap and a roll of Obama toilet paper into their shopping cart while shopping for their Dashboard Jesus.

Frequently Bought Together This item: Accoutrements Dashboard Jesus $9.13 Design Sense Generic Weener Kleener Soap $7.50 Big Mouth Toys Funny Toilet Paper: Obama $4.65

The items are frequently bought together with Dashboard Jesus on Amazon.

And remember, Dashboard Jesus is a choking hazard, so you should keep Him away from the little ones. Better yet, lock Him away where responsible gun owners keep their weapons until the kids get old enough to not accidentally shoot their parents.

Warning: Dashboard Jesus is a choking hazard.

Dashboard Jesus product warning.

CH “Reader” hopes that next time he locks himself out of the car, Dashboard Jesus will help him out.

I bought this because I keep leaving my keys in the ignition and locking myself out. So hoping the spring stretches long enough for Him to unlock the door for me next time. If He does, I’ll give this review more stars.

Cheaper than a locksmith, January 30, 2014 By CH "Reader" (Park Ridge, IL United States) I bought this because I keep leaving my keys in the ignition and locking myself out. So hoping the spring stretches long enough for Him to unlock the door for me next time. If He does, I'll give this review more stars.

Dashboard Jesus review on Amazon: Cheaper than a Locksmith.

This Amazon customer was looking for Hula Jesus, but this will do.

Four Stars, July 13, 2014 By Amazon Customer "bryteeyez" (Arkansas, USA) I was really looking for a hula Jesus, but this will do!

An Amazon customer wanted Hula Jesus, but this will do.

Alas, this Amazon reviewer didn’t find Dashboard Jesus in the least bit helpful when he drove into that ditch.

Did Not Help, July 7, 2012 By Kent Ward I was driving down the road when I hit a ditch and ran off the road. I screamed, "Jesus, take the wheel!" as I ditched out of my car. That bobble head did NOT take the wheel. Would not buy again.

Amazon reviewer: Dashboard Jesus did not help.

But Timboliah PantsOnFiyah discovered that when his company sent him to work in the Middle East, the Dashboard Jesus helped him make new friends.

Great Travel companion... for SOME places, January 13, 2011 By Timboliah PantsOnFiyah "Timboliah Pants on Fiyah" (USA)  I've always thought that decorative religious dashboard figures made classy accessories for my automobiles. Because of a recent freak accident that happened to my car while it was parked on the street in front of my flat, I was in the market for a new one. It happened shortly after I was transferred by my employer to head up our Middle East customer service call center based in Tehran, Iran. I had a really SWEET Dashboard Mohammed on my Cadillac Eldorado, but I was awakened in the wee hours one morning to the sound of an explosion. I found my car had been reduced to a pile of smoldering rubble.  I think my neighbors must have felt sorry for my stroke of bad luck with the car, because they left a really neat hand-made replica of Uncle Sam on my front porch for me. A note had been thoughtfully pinned to the Uncle Sam doll's chest with a lovely dagger. The English wasn't good... but it said something about them giving me a 'Fatwah'... which must mean a stuffed Uncle Sam doll.  I couldn't find a replacement Dashboard Mohammad in any of the local stores, so I ordered this Dashboard Jesus for my new company car. It gets alot of attention from the locals on my commute to work... they often chase may car, pointing at it and shouting their appreciation in their own language.

Dashboard Jesus helped Timobolliah Pants on Fiya make lots of new friends in the Middle East.

This Amazon reviewer started out with a Dashboard Mohammed, but now thinks his Dashboard Jesus is the best travel companion ever.

“I’ve always thought that decorative religious dashboard figures made classy accessories for my automobiles. Because of a recent freak accident that happened to my car while it was parked on the street in front of my flat, I was in the market for a new one. It happened shortly after I was transferred by my employer to head up our Middle East customer service call center based in Tehran, Iran. I had a really SWEET Dashboard Mohammed on my Cadillac Eldorado, but I was awakened in the wee hours one morning to the sound of an explosion. I found my car had been reduced to a pile of smoldering rubble.”

When the reviewer’s car exploded, his neighbors left him a note pinned to a stuffed Uncle Sam doll with a dagger. Does “Fatwah” mean “stuffed Uncle Sam doll?”

“After I think my neighbors must have felt sorry for my stroke of bad luck with the car, because they left a really neat hand-made replica of Uncle Sam on my front porch for me. A note had been thoughtfully pinned to the Uncle Sam doll’s chest with a lovely dagger. The English wasn’t good… but it said something about them giving me a ‘Fatwah’… which must mean a stuffed Uncle Sam doll.”

He replaced his Dashboard Mohammed with a Dashboard Jesus — who’s now the best travel companion ever!

“I couldn’t find a replacement Dashboard Mohammad in any of the local stores, so I ordered this Dashboard Jesus for my new company car. It gets alot of attention from the locals on my commute to work… they often chase may car, pointing at it and shouting their appreciation in their own language.”

We’re not entirely sure whether this Dashboard Jesus review — which declares “ALL cars should be equipped with this,” is serious or tongue-in-cheek. We suspect the former:

ALL cars should be equipped with this, October 10, 2012 By Kim Engel  Imagine if EVERYONE had a Dashboard Jesus how much safer the roads would be...I for one know that I watch my mouth a little more because "he is watching." I also feel divinely protected as I drive down the street.  I LOVE this and bought several to give as gifts to friends. I received one a a joke, but I never took it that way and am so glad HE is always with me wherever I go.  My adopted children (1 and 3) who are direct blessings from the Big guy himself, enjoy watching him dance.  I will probably buy more just to have on hand to give to people because they are really cute and put smiles on people's face (isn't that one of the many things Jesus should do?)

Dashboard Jesus review on Amazon: Every car should be equipped with this.

“Imagine if EVERYONE had a Dashboard Jesus how much safer the roads would be…I for one know that I watch my mouth a little more because “he is watching.” I also feel divinely protected as I drive down the street.”

She got her first Dashboard Jesus as a joke, but she would never joke about Jesus.

“I LOVE this and bought several to give as gifts to friends. I received one a a joke, but I never took it that way and am so glad HE is always with me wherever I go.

My adopted children (1 and 3) who are direct blessings from the Big guy himself, enjoy watching him dance.”

In any case, her Savior would certainly approve of His dashboard self putting a smile on people’s faces.

“I will probably buy more just to have on hand to give to people because they are really cute and put smiles on people’s face (isn’t that one of the many things Jesus should do?)”

Jeffrey rates Dashboard Jesus a “Must BUY.” Well, except for that nagging hooker problem:

Dashboard Jesus review: Must BUY, July 23, 2014 By jeffrey The moment I placed this dashboard jesus on my dash I couldnt stop smiling. I cranked up the DMX and hit the rode and watched dbjc dance his heart. His milkshake brought all the girls to the yard. Not only does he just look completely badass on the dash people will gather to get a glance of him when u park. Only downside is all the sinner soleless hookers who try to get in your car and ask for forgiveness. Dbjc is the best wingman/roadtrip passenger ever.

For this Amazon reviewer, Dashboard Jesus is a must-have.

 “The moment I placed this dashboard jesus on my dash I couldnt stop smiling. I cranked up the DMX and hit the rode and watched dbjc dance his heart. His milkshake brought all the girls to the yard. Not only does he just look completely badass on the dash people will gather to get a glance of him when u park. Only downside is all the sinner soleless hookers who try to get in your car and ask for forgiveness. Dbjc is the best wingman/roadtrip passenger ever.”

Alas, this driver claims New Jersey police made him remove his Dashboard Jesus because it illegally obstructed his view.

Dashboard Jesus review on Amazon: There is nothing better than having a plastic Jesus although in New Jersey I was told to remove it because it is illegal, blocking my path of vision. This isn't exactly the small indistinguishable one that mom had. BTW mom's Jesus faced the road. She thought we would be better off with Jesus watching the highway instead of us kids fighting. I love the "Oy Vey" hand gesture, and now that the Pope has declared good atheists are redeemable, I figure, what the heck, it never hurts to hedge your bet on Pascal's Wager. Besides, it's a chick magnet.

Watch out, Dashboard Jesus might be illegal in the state of New Jersey.

“There is nothing better than having a plastic Jesus although in New Jersey I was told to remove it because it is illegal, blocking my path of vision. This isn’t exactly the small indistinguishable one that mom had. BTW mom’s Jesus faced the road. She thought we would be better off with Jesus watching the highway instead of us kids fighting. I love the “Oy Vey” hand gesture, and now that the Pope has declared good atheists are redeemable, I figure, what the heck, it never hurts to hedge your bet on Pascal’s Wager. Besides, it’s a chick magnet.”

‘Long as I’ve got my Dashboard Jesus…

Watch Paul Newman sing about his plastic dashboard Jesus in “Cool Hand Luke.”


Featured image: Composite with Dashboard Jesus via Amazon.