Conservative Christians Vow To Boycott St. Louis Rams Over Michael Sam Draft Pick

“The NFL, like most of the rest of American business, is about to learn that when you trample the Christian community and Christian values there will be a terrible financial price to pay,” said Burkman.

History is replete with examples of genocide and repression visited upon communities of faith. Untold millions have been murdered in the name of a loving and benevolent God (ponder that for a moment). Even in light of that carnage, nothing- even the Crusades or the Holocaust- compares with the abomination being forced upon Christians today: a gay football player has been drafted by an NFL team.

Oh, the humanity….

In the name of all that’s godly and holy, how dare the NFL soil America’s Game, passed down to us by the hands of the Lord his own self, with their sinful Liberal “tolerance” and “inclusiveness?” [Insert “forcing their agenda down our throats” joke here. Then sit back and smile.]

Jack Burkman plans to save America from the horrors of having an openly gay NFL player.

Jack Burkman plans to save America from the horrors of having an openly gay NFL player.

The St. Louis Rams drafted Linebacker Michael Sam, the SEC’s Defensive Player of the Year and the first openly gay professional football player in the LGBT community. Evangelical Christians, upset at the mere fact of Sam’s existence, are loudly and angrily proclaiming the Apocalypse to be upon us. Today it’s a gay player; tomorrow it may be transsexual cheerleaders. Only through the Grace of Almighty God are the heads of Evangelical Christians not exploding in righteous indignation at this very moment.

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The news only gets worse: After drafting Sam, the Rams announced they were changing their nickname to the “Fabulous Rams” and their color scheme to lavender and fuschia with tasteful pink accents. Upon hearing the news, Pat Robertson and Bryan Fischer promised God’s righteous retribution will rain down upon America and wash “The Gay” away…once the Rams are out of playoff contention (probably mid-October).

(As if a sport in which a play begins with the quarterback putting his hands under the center’s crotch and ends with sweaty, well-conditioned, spandex-clad men leaping on one another isn’t already homoerotic enough.)

Fear not, good Christians; for a savior has been delivered unto you who promises to save America from the abomination of seeing Michael Sam’s backside in tight, form-fitting football pants on autumn Sunday afternoons. Jack Burkman, a Washington, DC lobbyist, is tired of seeing Christian values trampled by godless Liberals and their Homosexual Agenda, which promises to replace “The Star-Spangled Banner” with “YMCA.”

Burkman is pressuring Congress to ban gay players from the NFL (unlikely due to its questionable constitutionality), and he’s not taking the arrival of Michael Sam lightly. He’s promised to unleash a “coalition of Evangelical Christian leaders from across the nation” that will drive Michael Sam and the St. Louis Rams to the very gates of Hell (just outside Green Bay, WI). Burkman promises a “relentless boycott” in which good, God-fearing Christians will unleash a tsunami of disapproval and economic punishment upon the Rams and the NFL. Sam’s Rams jersey is now one of the top-selling NFL jerseys in the country, so it looks as if Burkman’s work is cut out for him. Just wait until he discovers that most of his “coalition of Evangelical Christian leaders from across the nation” are fantasy football addicts.

I can hardly wait until Burkman learns NBC is replacing their “Sunday Night Football” play-by-play team with Tara Lipinski and Johnny Weir, who’ll be providing color commentary and fashion advice. Then there’s the league’s new marketing campaign to be unveiled on Labor Day weekend:

“The NFL: It’s FAAAAABULOUS!!”

Unconfirmed reports indicate the choreography is being handled by Elton John and Adam Lambert. America’s game will never be the same.