Website Seriously Wants To Teach White Males How To Receive Minority Scholarships

affirmative action

Please! Won’t someone think of the poor victimized white people?!

A website intended to help college students receive scholarships has a section that has sane people scratching their heads. The purpose of the section we’re referring to is to teach white males how to receive minority scholarships. Some of the points on the website seem satirical, but they are intended to be serious. Below you’ll find excerpts from the site, followed by reasons why they’re nonsensical:

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Do you think it’s possible to get a minority scholarship if you’re a white male? You’ve probably heard rumors and myths about the availability of this type of financial aid and never got the straight facts.

And you think it’s easy being a member of the oppressing class? Try being White and applying for a college scholarship, amiright??

It’s take some real creativity to imagine that as a White male, you’re actually a minority. I may have been a History major, but even I can grasp the mathematical reality that more than 50% constitutes a majority. For the sake of argument though, let’s play along and see where this takes us, shall we?

If you think about it, white guys are right now the least likely to get most of the college scholarships—many are earmarked for women or minorities.

Right…except that “least likely” isn’t the same thing as “not likely.” The pool of scholarships is deep enough that most anyone, regardless of color, can find a variety of scholarships they qualify for. It’s certainly possible that Whites may have fewer options, but “fewer” doesn’t mean “none.” If you want to go to college and you need financial assistance, start digging. With some diligence and ingenuity, I’d hazard a guess that you’ll find what you need. As time continues to whittle Affirmative Action down to a nub, equal opportunity regardless of race will become increasingly common (which, on paper, sounds great but in practice somehow always seems to exclude actual minorities). Scholarship funders are adjusting to this new reality by adjusting their funding criteria to make scholarships previously earmarked for minorities and women open to White applicants. If you take that logic to its extreme, being White really is the same thing as being a minority. Or something like that.

Today’s white male college student may be suffering from the sins of the fathers. What were closely related outgrowths of equal rights, civil rights and affirmative action are now wreaking havoc on the ability for a white male to qualify for a scholarship of any kind unless he’s inordinately short, or can demonstrate some other idiosyncrasy that may be criterion for an oddball scholarship. Maybe white guys need to suffer a bit longer, eh? Maybe they need to have a history of oppression behind them first in order to feel privileged to gain some perks. Maybe they need to earn a lower station in life first.

Right; it’s so simple, I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me earlier. All White folks have to do is lower their expectations, suffer various and assorted indignities at the hands of The Man, and acquiesce to being treated as second-class citizens. Once you’ve suffered the tribulations of occupying a lower station in life, perhaps you’ll be eligible to apply for things like the “Caucasian Achievement and Recognition Scholarship,” where the application process might require you to write an essay detailing how you’ve struggled to overcome the myriad hurdles in your life (“One time at band camp, when Daddy’s Bentley broke down….). 

Perhaps it’s associated with majorities, money, statistics and the who’s-getting-what of scholarships, but don’t expect White Male Scholarships to multiply like rabbits. There are too many objections, too many historical complexities and theologies of blame to give way aggressively on the issue.

So even though clearly something’s up, white guys still have the burden of proving themselves a minority[.]

I know; it’s SO much easier when you can portray yourself as a victim, which is easier for Whites to do these days. Affirmative Action allowed colleges and scholarship funders to conspire against them- just like a minority, right??

And thus a majority can credibly present itself as a minority. Just try not to pay close attention to the math involved, ‘kay??

You can read the full guide for white males to get minority scholarships here.