Super Stupid: Marriage Equality Foe Demands The ‘Right’ To Marry His Porn Filled MacBook


This guy takes the cake, suggesting that marriage equality allows him to marry his MacBook.

Recently, I purchased an Apple computer. The computer was sold to me without filters to block out pornography. I was not provided with any warning by Apple that pornography was highly addictive and could alter my reward cycle by the manufacturer. Over time, I began preferring sex with my computer over sex with real women. Naturally, I ‘fell in love’ with my computer and preferred having sex with it over all other persons or things, as a result of classic conditioning upon orgasm. 

A half-century ago, many good, God-fearing White Christians were so anti-integration that they came up with all manner of creative (or so they thought) arguments against it. The idea was that if one could equate integration to something truly absurd (sharing a shower with a Doberman Pinscher, for instance), then the argument for integration would ipso facto crumble into nonsense and disappear into the black hole of history like a bad dream.

Here in 2014, the controversy may be different, but the tactics have changed not at all. In this case, Chris Sevier, today’s Hero of the Cause, tried to intervene in a legal case challenging Florida’s ban on marriage equality by petitioning for permission to marry a porn-saturated Apple computer. The obvious physiological hurdles notwithstanding (What happens if the lid slams shut during coitus? Won’t the keys be sticky?), marriage is supposed to be for a lifetime (if you believe Conservatives), so what happens when the computer’s technology becomes obsolete? Can you imagine the difficulties you’d face today if you married a computer with a 286 processor in the mid-90s?

Not surprisingly, the motion was denied for reasons that should be self-evident…not the least of which was that the argument was prima facie absurd. That Sevier tried the same tactic in Utah only to be met with the same result demonstrates that he either

a) has WAY too much time on his hands, or

b) is WAY too concerned with the sexual practices of others.

A half-century from now, people will look back at the struggle for marriage equality and equal rights for LGBT individuals and wonder what the fuss was about. Why did so many expend so much energy and righteous indignation in an effort to deny equality to those who sexuality they found abhorrent? If they opposed same-sex marriage so ferociously, why couldn’t they just refrain from marrying someone of the same gender and live and let live?

Bigotry never really dies. It just moves on to the next divisive issue and works its magic on the ignorant, the fearful, and those far too concerned with the private conduct of others.