Dear Right Wing: Thanks For Everything You’ve Done. No, Really


I’d like to thank the right wing for everything they’ve done for us over the years, beginning with:

Richard Milhous Nixon

Had it not been for Tricky Dick, the concept of for-profit healthcare would have never gripped the nation as it has, allowing CEOs of healthcare companies to retire with golden parachutes worth hundreds of millions of dollars while middle class and the poor literally dropped dead because they couldn’t afford to see a doctor. Rest in pus, Dick.

Ronald Wilson Reagan

Thanks to Saint Ronnie, a college education, which used to be virtually free, is almost out of reach for all but the wealthiest Americans. But hey; what do poor people need with an education anyway? It’s not as if they’ll be grateful and vote for us next time around. Oh, and by the way Ronnie, thanks also for letting your FCC pull the plug on the Fairness Doctrine , a policy that had been in effect since Harry Truman and, once lifted, gave rise to such “news” sources as Alex Jones, Michael Savage, Rush Limbaugh and Fox News… which in turn, resulted in the dumbing-down of America as never before. The average right wing talk radio listener or television viewer is incredibly uninformed. But hey, at least you never did anything blatantly unconstitutional… unless you include selling 1,500 missiles to the Ayatollah Khomeini, and funneling the clumsily laundered money to right-wing hit squads in Nicaragua. I know; picky, picky.

Karl Christian Rove

Ah Karl, where to begin? How about in 1986, when you bugged your own office, accused your political opponent of doing it, but the FBI concluded the only person who could have have done it was in your office within the previous 45 minutes? Or how about your role in exposing Valerie Plame’s CIA undercover status, something you lied about repeatedly under oath? Or how about your role in the swiftboat “Vets for Truth” smear? But most of all, how about how you dumped your trash on the United States of America fourteen years ago, by convincing red state hay seeds that George W. Bush was president material?

George Walker Bush

Which segues nicely into George W. Bush — Thanks George, for everything you did for America (and for Iraq for that matter). You ignored the warning about Osama bin Laden, bungled two wars, one which was totally unnecessary, the other questionable, 4,500 dead Americans, over a million returned with debilitating injuries , a shattered economy, our closest allies shunning us, and oh, thank you, thank you, thank you for bringing the word “torture” back into vogue. To tell you the truth, I’ve missed it. I kept confusing water boarding with hydro boarding (So embarrassing at cocktail parties)!

Richard Bruce Cheney

Which brings us to my pal Dick Cheney — A man so selfish, so evil, so consumed with power, that I won’t even waste space on this article to post the notes on it. You all know the story. Except for, possibly, this one.


Thanks for everything, Dick. Your place in history is secure, though I doubt your final epitaph will be written as you hope it will.

And since right-wing craziness isn’t limited to just these shores, a shout-out to Benjamin Netanyahu, a man who almost single-handedly turned Zionism, the once-noble movement to establish a homeland for victims of ultra right-wing terror into a dirty word. By forgetting the birth pangs of his own country and establishing “settlements” on lands rightfully owned by Arab families for centuries and treating Palestinians like herd animals, Bibi has made a mockery of the peace process. All the more ironic, since as the victims of oppression themselves just three generations ago, he’s managed to become the very monster his critics accuse him of being — a right-wing thug. And on a personal note, thanks a helluva a lot for giving anti-Semites and bigots a new rallying cry. You’ve made it next to impossible for American Jews to defend the existence of Israel without having to add an asterisk to the Sharon/Netanyahu era.

Which brings us to today. Thanks to the right-wingers in Congress for birtherism, for their war on women (and subsequent denial thereof). For their intransigence on healthcare, immigration, education, scientific research, you name it! For their TOTAL abdication of responsibility to protect the planet by uniformly ignoring 97 percent of climate scientists. Thanks to the same lunatics for favoring corporatism over populism, resulting in the greatest wealth imbalance between the classes in decades, if not ever. Thanks for the resurrection of right-wing hate groups which have seen an 800 percent increase since Barack Obama was sworn in less than six years ago. Thanks to the Bush appointees on the Supreme Court, now safely packed 5/4 with extremist right-wing justices who’ve sold our election process to the highest bidders. No no, thank YOU! And thank you Fox News, for everything you’ve done over the past 18 years to misinform. The average American can’t find Ukraine on a globe to save their life, but who cares!? They know that God blesses America, that Duck Dynasty is more important than whatever president whasizname has to say, and that guns are custom made in heaven just for Americans. Which brings us lastly to…

The good ol’ NRA, without whom, we’d be lost in the wilderness. After all, if not for the NRA, would we have the Stand Your Ground laws that keep us safe from people wearing hoodies? I think not. And thanks to them, we’ve finally reached the perfect “balance” that nature strives for: One-to-one. America now has one gun for every man, woman and child in the country. Over 300,000,000+. So what if a few nutbags go on rampages and shoot up schools, churches and malls? That’s the price of freedom, my friends! If more folks in schools, churches and malls were packing, as Wayne LaPierre wants, why just think how safe we’d all be then.

So thanks for everything, right-wingers. I doubt the Republic — and possibly the planet itself — will survive all your works, but I can’t say it hasn’t been a wild ride. I only hope that if we’re all doomed to die, that my progeny has the pleasure of watching your progeny go first.