Maryland College Decides To Invest In Bulletproof Whiteboards

Just What Every U. S. Classroom Needs - Bulletproof Whiteboards

To combat the threat of gun violence a Maryland college purchases bulletproof whiteboards for professors. Congress does nothing about school shootings.

Worried about school safety in blood-drenched America? Well, we may now have the answer. Consider a brief item in the New York Times this morning.

What we need are some bulletproof whiteboards!

Recent violence shows only bulletproof whiteboards can save lives.

You might think this is some twisted joke. Considering the recent murders of Massachusetts teacher Colleen Ritzer and Nevada teacher Michael Landsberry, however, we are in no mood for humor. Ritzer was allegedly stabbed at school by an attacker wielding a box cutter. Landsberry was gunned down on the playground. Ironically, Landsberry, an ex-Marine, once survived a tour of duty in Afghanistan.

Ritzer’s killer is said to be a 14-year-old student.

Landsberry was killed by a bullet from a gun in the hand of a 12-year-old. In that incident the boy may have planned to shoot several classmates. Landsberry tried to stop him and died in the attempt.

The boy then killed himself.

Now the University of Maryland Eastern Shore is doing something about the threat of violence. At a cost of $59,800 the school purchased bulletproof whiteboards for professors. One will hang in every room. According to the campus chief of police, the decision was easy. School leaders wanted “one more tool to help us ensure the safety of the campus community.” Even better: “the whiteboards are user-friendly and noninvasive.”

Here a dose of bitter sarcasm seems the only possible reaction. One might posit these questions: Does the professor tell students about the whiteboard? If an attacker enters the room, might not a struggle with students for possession of the single shield ensue? Also, what parts of the body does one protect? The boards are a mere 18 x 20 inches. Hold the shield too low and one’s head is exposed. To high and…well…other delicate areas may end up targeted.

Business for Hardwire, the company producing the shields, is certainly booming. In a YouTube video we learn this innovative product was “inspired by the Sandy Hook [Elementary School] tragedy.” School districts in Minnesota, Maryland and North Dakota have already purchased these life-saving tools. And why not! According to one expert, bulletproof whiteboards are fantastic. “It’s something that a teacher could actually walk around with, teach with it, place a book on it, it’s very lightweight.”

Not to mention you can write on them, too.

No, you can’t mess with the Second Amendment.

Well, you can’t mess with the Second Amendment. So you can’t ban any kinds of weapons, or limit the size of ammo clips. You can’t have more background checks or register all guns. You can’t require gun owners to lock up weapons or be held liable for misuse, either. After all, a “well-armed militia” is what it’s about in 2013.

You know what the Founding Fathers would say if they were alive today. “Buy some bulletproof whiteboards!” Ben Franklin would insist.

Besides, you know the N.R.A. argument. Banning guns won’t stop the killings. “If you ban guns, then criminals will use box cutters.” Hell, maybe knitting needles. At this point, who knows how low the N.R.A. is willing to go to win an argument?

Ann Coulter says more guns make us safer; and everyone knows Ann Coulter doesn’t lie.

I am just going to say that we live in the safest nation in the world. Because the more guns we have the safer we are. Ann Coulter said so, days after the Sandy Hook massacre. “I’m on the Hannity show right now,” she tweeted. “More guns,” she added, “less mass shootings.” And we do have more guns! According to FBI figures, 2012 was a great year for gun makers. At least 16.8 million FBI background checks were ordered that year.

Today, we’re safer still. There were 11.4 million additional background checks ordered in the first six months of this year.

In America today, you can be killed in all kinds of places—or if lucky, wounded. You can be gunned down by a heavily-armed assailant in a theater. So what do we need? Bulletproof popcorn containers. You can be killed while screening passengers at the Los Angeles airport. Let’s have Kevlar luggage! You can be killed while at work in the Washington, D. C. Navy Yard. Therefore: we need bulletproof office cubicles. You can be shot by mistake by your husband in Ohio. And you have to worry about incidents of road rage, as well. If you missed it, two Michigan drivers recently shot and killed each other, after both pulled over to argue about one driver tailgating the other. Your 5-year-old can accidently kill his 2-year-old sister. One of your children can kill another in an argument over a video game. Or, moms, your son can gun you down, and also his sister, after watching the movie “Halloween.”

There have been, by a very conservative estimate, 10,000 plus gun deaths in the United States just since the school shooting in Newtown, Connecticut.

So, let me say, I am “deadly” serious. We can’t possibly limit guns in any way, because this would mean the death of all freedom. Not to mention, if you limit access to firearms only outlaws will have limited access to firearms. Or: the thousands of Americans who use them every year to commit suicide.

At this point let’s cast all logic aside. We need bulletproof whiteboards, not just in colleges. We need them in all the way down to kindergarten classes. Our kids could also use bulletproof notebooks.

Pistols would make great stocking stuffers.

Until every American owns a gun we can never stop the gun-related carnage. (And don’t you agree pistols would be great stocking stuffers this Christmas?) We need every freedom-loving citizen to buy at least one for every family member. Two or three per person, naturally, would be better. It may take time to reach this state of heavily-armed perfection. But while we wait, let’s not take chances. Clearly, we need bold companies to come out with bulletproof underwear for children. Also: bulletproof Huggies for infants.

We know Congress is not going to take action.