Top Ten Reasons It Would Suck To Be A Republican

Stupid Republicans

I’m not a Republican, and I can only begin to imagine how difficult it is to actually be one. The message of the party as a whole seems more than just a little sketchy. What do they stand for, exactly? They are “against” wasteful spending, but somehow manage to charge the taxpayers for things like doggy vitamins and detox “cleansing” aids. They are against the federal government, unless the government is spending millions in subsidies that they’re using to line their own pockets. They are against regulation of the private sector, but want the public sector to bail them out when their oil spills in the ocean or their fertilizer plants blow entire towns to kingdom come. They are “right to life” but only as far as that extends to unborn life; once you’re breathing outside the womb and can be considered a real person, they’re against food, medicine, housing or even an education for you… They are against abortion AND birth control, but that makes sense since, according to statements made by Jeb Bush, they are openly for the increased breeding of workers

How do you sell that hot, steamy mess to the masses and get them to quickly, and wholeheartedly, agree that your smoking bag of goo is good, not just for them, but for the country as a whole? How do you explain away all the flaming contradictions without sounding like a complete idiot? (For example, OK Senator Jim Inhofe explaining why tornadoes are not like hurricanes, when it comes to disaster funding.)

I can only imagine how difficult it would be to try to do just some of the following:

  1. Find a biblical reference to justify hate or greed or selfishness.
  2. Convince women that the government should be in control of their reproductive choices, not their doctors or, heaven forbid, themselves.
  3. Explain why fracking and fracked water is good, while solar and wind power (and even vegetable gardening) are simply a plot to take over the world.
  4. Explain why you should absolutely have to have an ID to vote, and why you should absolutely not have to have an ID to purchase an assault weapon.
  5. Justify your agenda of arming every man, woman and child as your Christian duty, when Jesus said “Put down your weapons.”
  6. Convince minorities that they need to join the same political party as the KKK, the Aryan Nation and the Teabaggers carrying signs that say “There’s a Muslim, Kenyan, Socialist N– in the White House.” (Generally spelled incorrectly, but still…)
  7. Pretend that Fox News is a source and use it to defend your arguments when discussing the war on Christmas and the Easter bunny.
  8. Explain for the 47th time why trying to repeal healthcare is not a waste of taxpayer resources.
  9. Justify gutting workers’ rights and fair wage policies by claiming those policies are “bad” for workers.
  10. Convince the masses that government is not trustworthy, while at the same time removing policies put in place to help keep the government trustworthy.

This is obviously not an exhaustive list. The agenda seems to be to decide what sort of nonsensical, greedy, hateful or underhanded thing you feel like doing today, and then try to work out a way to make it less offensive to the general public. In the long run, this strategy often leaves you looking and sounding as dumb as Sarah Palin or Michele Bachmann… or at the least as drunk as John Boehner at 9:00 am on a workday.