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If You Don’t Know Me By Now…How Can You Possibly Still Be An ‘Undecided’ Voter?

“You will never, ever, ever know me.”

Sing along, gents; this is between you and all your confused, reluctant, fence-sitting voters who still can’t figure out which of you to vote for. Whoever they are. Those people who make very… slow… decisions. The Undecideds. Sounds like an Irish folk band.

This has been the most expensive, and certainly longest, campaign in the history of America and, at this point, unless there’s a skeleton in the closet, an elephant in the living room, or a horse’s ass in the family tree, we know all we need to know about these two men: likely more than we even know about our own spouses (I’m still trying to figure my husband’s stance on lapel pins). But despite the cost and longevity, we continue…for them: The Undecideds.

At least it was a refreshing debate at the Hofstra Town Hall. Candy Crowley did a good strong-arm job, the questions from the audience were excellent, and after weeks of chortling by the GOP (and how often do you get to use the word “chortling”?) and hand-wringing by the Democrats (Dear Dems: Can We NOT Throw Obama Under The Bus This Time?), it was nice to see the President come out with fire in his eyes and silver on his tongue. Mitt…well, he did what Mitt does: finesse, steamroll, revise, flip-flop and condescend (at one point he shoved Candy Crowley aside like a bad waitress!) but he was well groomed, looked like he’d gotten a haircut, so…that was new. Otherwise, he was Mitt, maybe Mitt-Lite, like he’d been toned down a bit. I’m guessing they thought the couch jumping wasn’t presidential enough.

But the point is: what more do you need to know about these guys? This question is directed to The Undecideds. What more, really? President Obama has been, well, the President of the United States, so we’re pretty up-to-speed on him. Mr. Romney has been campaigning for the last eighteen years, some while in office, so he’s been pretty front-and-center himself. Beyond that, lots of talking has gone on between these two, about these two, and by these two and, frankly, I think it’s been covered; barring the menagerie mentioned above, it’s all been covered. Make a decision already!

Because, like a wedding engagement that’s gone on too long, this campaign has gotten ripe: slightly curdled, certainly tedious, and, for many of us, really, really redundant to the point where I’m wondering when we start polling the polls used to poll the polling demographic (Why Presidential Campaigns Don’t Work).

While it’s grand that our country goes to such lengths to make sure we really know the people we vote for, at some point the election process is held hostage by The Undecideds. They’re plied and pandered to like that attention-sucking cute chick who won’t say yes and, really, it’s excessive, particularly when the rest of us make it our business to actually decide. Without them, we could do this like grown-ups: have a few debates, listen to a few speeches, do our own research, and get the hell on with it. Without them, we could wrap this up in six months, tops. Without them, we could literally right the economy by using the copious amounts of money being wasted. Without them, “The Undecideds” really would be the name of a band somewhere.

Time to get off the fence, people. Well, past time. Not to be rude or anything, but we’re tired of hearing about you and, frankly, if you don’t know them by now, you will never, ever, ever know them.

Next and last (dear God, please!) debate, Monday, October 22nd, 9:00 p.m. EST.

Follow Lorraine Devon Wilke on TwitterFacebook and Rock+Paper+Music; for details and links to her other work, visit www.lorrainedevonwilke.com