Unreasonable Reasons For Voting Republican

A — The reason the Republicans offer bigger tax cuts for the wealthy, is:

(1) They use the money to stimulate the economy, because the wealthy are “jobs creators.”

(2) The middle and lower classes haven’t done anything to deserve them.

(3) Because bribing the wealthy for their loyalty buys their economic support (but don’t tell anyone, it’s supposed to be a secret!)

B — Abortion should be banned in ALL instances, except for:

(1) When a pregnancy jeopardizes the life of the mother.

(2) If the fetus is determined to be stillborn.

(3) If the parents are determined to be Muslims.

C — The only immigrants we should permit within our borders are:

(1) The ones with proper documentation who’ve waited their turn.

(2) What do I care, as long as they “self deport” as Mitt Romney promised?

(3) White ones.

D — Women are paid 77% of what men get paid because:

(1) Women don’t work as hard.

(2) The Bible says so (it’s in there somewhere, you just have to know where to look — my cousin Cletus says he seen it once!)

(3) 77%? What a crock! They should be paid 50% of what men earn.

E — Off-shoring jobs to the Third World is good for America because:

(1) American industrialists are only concerned for America, and what’s best for their bottom line, is what’s best for America’s bottom line.

(2) Union workers are lazy, and they haven’t produced anything decent for decades.

(3) Those other countries are part of the United States anyway, aren’t they? I read that once on the Blaze.

F — Gun ownership:

(1) Should be mandatory for all citizens.

(2) Keeps crime under control by arming the good guys.

(3) Brings us closer to God!

G — Affordable healthcare for everyone:

(1) Is too expensive!

(2) Is Marxism!

(3) Is stupid, because poor people don’t play polo or golf all 18 holes, so they’ll die sooner anyway.

H — Prayer in school is:

(1) What the Founding Fathers envisioned for America.

(2) Fine with me.

(3) Fine with me, but Muslims, Jews, Buddhists, Shinto & Hindus better not chant their weird, foreign blathering in front of my kid! And atheists should just drop dead, as God wants.

I — Mitt Romney was right when he said the US auto industry should go bankrupt, because:

(1) American cars are junk, and those UAW wages are why GM and Chrysler failed in the first place.

(2) Bailing out car companies is what European socialists do!

(3) {Except when Reagan did it.}

J — Same sex marriage is:

(1) Creepy! There should be a death penalty for homosexuals.

(2) Okay in San Francisco and Hollyweird I guess, but it’ll never fly in the Heartland… that’s why God made barnyard animals.

(3) Okay, but only if I get to watch.

K — We should attack Iran and Syria, because:

(1) Syria’s still hiding Saddam’s missing WMDs.

(2) War is good for the economy. More bombs = more jobs. It’s patriotic!

(3) They’re Muslims, aren’t they? Duh!

L — Energy independence:

(1) We should drill in ANWAR. Drill here, drill now, drill everywhere!

(2) We should drill in the Gulf of Mexico too!

(3) It’s Obama’s fault there was a spill in the Gulf of Mexico.

M — Education:

(1) Home schooling is best, because parents can teach Creationism over that stupid, godless Darwinism.

(2) Today’s public school teachers are all yesterday’s lazy, pot-smoking hippies.

(3) Rick Santorum had it right; American public schools are ruining our kids! Just look at how enlightened his turned out.

N — The purpose of the Judicial Branch of government is to:

(1) Interpret the Constitution.

(2) Interpret the Constitution the way God wanted.

(3) Interpret the Constitution the way Chief Justice John G. Roberts wants (same as #2 above).

O — Gas prices:

(1) High gas prices are due to President Obama’s poor energy policies, and since they’re high on his watch, it’s up to him to resolve it.

(2) They’re only dropping now, because of the Republicans in Congress, and Obama doesn’t deserve any credit for that.

(3) Oh, and when gas prices were at an all-time high in July 2008 under George W. Bush, that wasn’t his fault, it was the fault of the Democrats in Congress. See how this works?

P — Barack Obama has to go because:

(1) He ruined the economy.

(2) Okay, he didn’t ruin it, but he hasn’t fixed it yet.

(3) I don’t like Portuguese Water Dogs.

Q — Citizens United was good for America because:

(1) It protects us from al Qaeda.

(2) It protects us from the Democrats.

(3) It protects us from ever again being an actual Democracy.