The Lazy Unemployed LUAFEP Plan

Hey, if you’re unemployed please take a minute to read my contribution. I have a proposal for you. When you finish reading proposal your spirits will be lifted. And if you follow through, you may just get a job. In the process, you will have some fun.

So for months you have heard Republican pundit, Congressman, Senators, would-be candidates calling you lazy. We’ve been told our unemployment is our fault.

Why they have taken to even calling us hobos, bums, shiftless stargazed drug seekers.

Yes, I forgot that a party of Christian values would gather so much glee in kicking a dog when the dog is on the ground waiting for 10 day old scraps. I’m at wits end on how I can overturn our Congressional/Senatorial Republicans minds about these issues.

With their $178,000 year salary; the perks of being privileged and in power; the great retirement plan; the smorgasbord of affordable health care plans. Why, for those folks who say they hate government, they are really making out like fat cats.

And somehow we need to overturn this perception or mental affliction and cruelty about our plight they seem to have clung to over the past year or so.

You know those issues, where most of the countries economists have clearly come out and told everyone who basically can listen to a radio station, watch a news show, or read a newspaper, that the real issue is lack of jobs. Why, there are 5 or more people per job depending on where you live.

What’s next, being accused of being the slowest 4/5th’s….

One of the more interesting GOPER diatribes seems to be this, ‘Just take any job.’ The jobs are out there, why I just saw a help wanted sign for a dishwasher.

Who are we to quandary? Surely our nation is very well suited for a majority of people to take jobs beneath their previous social standing. Never mind the small facts many employers don’t want experienced people for their less skilled job positions.

Or that fact age > 45 usually gets you the nice reject letter qualifier – ‘Overqualified.’

You know, those jobs that are usually left for teenagers, college graduates and young adults. Never mind the dwindling tax receipts coming into the coffers. Don’t worry about not being able to afford health insurance. Think of it this way, if you die early, we can apply your SS benefits to some other person who really needs it more than you do.

You just need to get out there and flip burgers at 54, 45, or 62, regardless of your abilities to pay your bills, take care of your family, and find affordable health insurance. I know some people will put a stiff upper lip and say, ‘I’ll take anything. I’ll shovel shit’ and I’ll still vote for the big fat red elephant in November. Go ahead my friend, but I have a better idea.

To finally put the nail in the proverbial coffin, they say we’re not trying hard enough.

Being unemployed for the 2nd time in the great recession, I can say it was my fault. I should have never chosen to be an IT professional. Why if someone could just invent a time machine, I could step back and tell my 20 something self, they are just going to send your job to India. Pick another career now before you’re DOOMED!

I’m not sure what I would actually tell my 20 something self if I could. Because it seems most jobs are being transitioned to India, China, Thailand, etc. I mean, more and more, the evidence is suggesting if you’re not born with a silver spoon in your mouth, you’re probably going to be eating a lifetime of dirt. At least I suspect that’s what the odds makers would give you.

But I have plan. I will lead you out of this darkness. You see, I don’t need to be paid $178,000 a year with a golden retirement, endless Meet The Depressed touring t-shirts. You know those perks for being a Congressman or Senator. I actually have a solution to this problem.

My plan is guaranteed to start a beehive of opportunity. My plan will initially swell the ranks of HR professionals. If you follow through with my plan, we’ll get those lazy businesses with that wad of cash to trickle down a few coins are way. At least pee a few.

Now listen closely to my plan my friends. First, you need to sell this like you were selling Amway to your relatives. Because we need viral momentum on this plan for the plan to work. We need diligence and perseverance.

I promise you my plan is not negative. In fact, you will be looking upward in a positive set of actions. Possibly, just possibly, some of you might end up with better jobs than you previously lost. More interesting jobs. Maybe even a new career or a career change.

So are you with me? ARE YOU WITH ME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!

ARE YOU WITH ME?

So what is my plan? Well it’s real simple and once you see it, some of you won’t understand the plan. But those of you that do will see how simple and ingenious it is.

After all the build up, you say…ALL RIGHT ALREADY TELL ME THE F****** PLAN MAN!!!

What else are you to do? It’s not like you can walk up to most companies anymore in the physical world and actually talk to someone. They always send you back to the website. And you lazy bums know it’s just easier waking up at 10:00 a.m. and key stroking Monster for 30 minutes before you slink over to Starbucks for a jolt of joe.

So tomorrow morning or in the course of the next few days, here is what I want you to do. 1 or 2 days a week I want you to dedicate to THE PLAN.

Now here finally is the plan….

You apply for every job you can find that is a step above the last job you had. It does not matter if you’re qualified or not. If they want a doctor and you’re a plumber, shoot the electronic resume across that job network and fill up that HR person’s inbox. I’d suggest write 5 to 10 short cover letters for various industries and plug those into the specific industry.

But the plan is you apply FOR EVERYTHING ABOVE WHERE YOU WERE AT.

Never a manager, YOU APPLY FOR CEO job.

We bring the system down starting tomorrow….

Are you with me or do I have to come over to your house and Amway you…?

Don’t make me do it…

Get on the Lazy Unemployed Apply For Everything Plan…

That’s right LUAFEP it up baby…. Pay this forward. I’ll buy the first one of you hobos a real dinner with steak, potatoes, and all the trimmings if you run for Congress and kick one of those $178,000 GOPER NO babies into the LUAFEP Plan…