Dear Birthers: Let’s Make a Deal

You win! You’ve worn us down. It’s time for president Obama to tell us who he really is, or he has to go back to Kenya. You’ve made your case. Fellow patriots of the movement, I’m with ya’!

So here’s what I propose: Each and every American who has voiced doubts about the president’s citizenship will provide proof of their own. In this way, the president will be pressured to do likewise. You will then sign a registry that I will upload to my Facebook page, where you will post a scan of your original birth certificate. And no, no digital facsimiles will be accepted, because as you’ve so rigorously pointed out, they might be forgeries. All information, and all names must be clearly visible. Your father’s first and last name, your mother’s first and last name (just sayin’), and all particulars clearly legible. For example — were there any unique observations jotted down by the doctor? Birthmarks, cleft pallet, unusually small penis, etc.? If you had any birth defects, those will be on there too. Hey, I know it’s personal, but I’m on your side; if we’re going to demand Obama’s, then let’s get down and dirty! You don’t have anything to hide, right?

And if you’re one of the many Republican politicians who’s pandered to the birther movement, here’s your role: Since you’ve been exploiting this issue in order to undermine a popularly elected president, basically using this to destroy his political career, you too must be willing to put your careers on the line. Governor Huckabee, Newt Gingrich, Rep. Broun of Georgia, et al, if you really want to get to the bottom of this, we progressives will join you in demanding that the State of Hawaii hold an open house, whereupon you will be permitted to view up close and personal, the hand-signed birth certificate of president Barack Hussein Obama in sunny Honolulu! (always read the fine print; lodging, airfare, gratuities, booze & hookers not covered, especially David Vitter).

If it should turn out that no such document exists, as you say, then you will have proven your point, and the chips will fall where they may. We on the loony left will join you in your quest for justice.

HOWEVER— If it turns out that there is indeed a legitimate long-form birth certificate, and it confirms everything the president has claimed, then you must forfeit your careers. Yep. You’ve tried for going on three years to remove him from office over this issue, so the time has come for you to put up or shut up. You must place your careers on the line too, that is, if you’re seriously seeking the truth.

So put down that MoonPie, turn off those Hee-Haw reruns and sign up. We’ve got a Constitution to defend, after all! As adamant as you’ve been about this, surely you’d be willing to take a little risk. This is the opportunity you’ve been waiting for, right? The truth at last! And all you have to do is reciprocate in kind by exposing your own birth certificates to the world. If you’re proven right, you win the motherlode — the recall of this president. And if you’re proven wrong, then at least you’ll have found the truth … what you say has been your goal all along.

So far, you’ve risked nothing. If you really think this president is a phony, then put your money where your mouth is, and sign the registry. And if you fail to do so, then we’ll know that you realize that this whole birth certificate controversy is nothing but a distraction; designed, promoted and maintained by racists, lunatics and right-wing media whores, and YOU are too cowardly to do what you’ve been demanding of the president; that he expose a private document to the scrutiny of strangers.